14-yr-old "Anna"
'On The Day You Were Born' by Debra Frasier.
And I picked it up and read it and got tears in my eyes.
I quickly bought it and left and drove home through a blur of tears.
Tears for my babies that will never be.
Tears for my baby that is out there in the world for me to adopt.
Bad tears, good tears. Such a mix of emotions. That is my life these days.
I *should* be 7 months pregnant right now. I *should* be having baby showers and getting prepared for our baby. But I'm not. I know I can't live in "should be" land, but it's so hard not to get sucked into.
I'm tired and overwhelmed. I'm frustrated by the Adoption process and all the extremely time-consuming mundane tasks that go along with it.
I'm tired of fertility treatments making me over-emotional and too bloated to fit into my clothes.
I'm tired of having to be happy for everyone around me that is having babies.
I'm sad that I have not been able to provide my husband with a baby.
I'm frustrated in putting so much time and effort into wanting one specific thing and it just isn't happening.
We are officially into month 67 of wanting a baby. This thought depresses me. I feel bad for my husband, I feel bad for myself, I feel bad for my body. I'm a failure. My husband can do his part and get me pregnant, now why can't I fulfill my end of the bargain? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with my body? What have I done so horrible in life to deserve this?
Each month when I tell my husband I am not pregnant he says, "I'm sorry honey". I love that he can at least acknowledge my feelings and know that I am aching inside. But another part of me feels bad for him. What if he was with someone else and was able to have that baby that he wants? What if I'm holding him back from the life that he should have?
I'm sick of trying.
I'm sick of wanting.
I'm sick of aching.
I'm tired of trying to be strong when deep down I'm not.
"What peaceful hours I once enjoyed
How sweet their memory still
But they have left an aching void
The world can never fill."
-William Cowper
60 comments:
Oh Yaya!! {{BIG HUGS}} to you!! I want to say that you are NOT a failure. I'm right there with you, in fact, trying to find out what hte H*LL is wrong with me, should have one baby and be oh 3, 4 months along here. Except my doctor blew me off.. ugh. That's another story. Keep your chin up, hon! (((((MORE HUGS)))))
Oh Honey I wish to God I had the words to make you feel better.
I wish I had the power to say "God she would be a wonderful mother, please make her one" and God would grant that wish.
I wish that others would see that you and Josh would be wonderful parents and grant an adoption tomorrow.
I wish all of this would be over and you had all the babies you wanted.
I keep both of you in my thoughts and prayers that one day the waiting will be over and all your hopes, dreams and desires are fulfilled.
And even if some of your readers do not fully undertand your suffering you want to be here for you...even when we have no idea what the right thing to say is. {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
I'm so sorry. There's nothing else to say. It sucks and it's not fair, and I'm so sorry.
Just popping over here... :( XOXO to you and your hubby!
Hang in there, Yaya. I never seem to have the right words but I'm out here cheering you on, along with so many others.
Im so sorry. For you and everyone else out there.....
Oh sweetheart, you have BIG (virtual) hugs coming from my direction (face towards Denver to receive)!
I wish your heart didn't have to ache so much. I too lost a baby and have my own story of loss. But being blessed with 2 healthy children after that I feel much more complete. I sooo hope and pray with all I've got that you will get to have your children, however that may happen. As a side note since I think a smile is in order and I know you share my love for these, do you think cadbury cream eggs are smaller than they used to be?
oh honey! your post made me cry for the pain you feel! i'm so sorry you have to go through this and these are all valid concerns you have. i want so badly for you to have a child of your own, another person to love and expand your family. it WILL happen for you two, one way or another. you are almost done with the classes and that will put you that much closer! stay strong and know that someday you won't have to stress about getting pregnant or adopting a child. you will be able to just enjoy your new family and live life without all this yearning that consumes you. it WILL happen for you, please try to remember that. i love you!
I can't relate to what you must be going through, but I imagine it's awful stuff.
You are in my thoughts all the time, and I'm sending positive vibes your way, in hopes that they make a bit of difference.
Oh, Alicia. I'm so sorry you are hurting. I wish there were magic words to say to ease your heartache.
My only words of wisdom would be to not start thinking of Josh being with someone else and having babies. Josh loves YOU and wants to be with YOU! You are in this for better or worse. This is the worst. It WILL get better and you one day WILL have a sweet baby in your arms.
Oh, honey.... Sigh... I know how you feel. I am so sorry that you have to go through this.
Last night we found out that BOTH of my sister-in-laws are pregnant and are due within weeks of each other. It took everything I had not to burst into tears on the phone.
So yeah... it's like pain in every little thing around you.
I wish I could say something that would make it better. But you will have your baby one day and you're working towards that right now. :)
Sending you good wishes.
I cried for you reading this. I cried for me. I keep track, too. In July, it will be 8 years for me since we started trying to have a baby. Even though we quit actively trying when we started the adoption process, I would still get that emotional pain some months. On January 28th, I had my left ovary removed and my endometrial lining removed and my right tube tied. Honestly, it was like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I am still sad about all of it yet happy I have my kids My adoption worker said it well, "There will always be a hole in my heart for that baby I couldn't have." She adopted 4 kids from foster care after dealing with infertility...
You are NOT a failure! You are an intelligent, fun-loving, outgoing person, and that is more than a lot of people have. You should not let having a baby define weather you are a passing person or a failing person. I love you and I hope this will make you feel a little better.
((HUGS))
I can relate in some ways. I was able to get pregnant easily but I couldn't keep the baby.
I'm sorry you're going through this rough time, and those shouldas really kick you in the teeth sometimes, don't they? I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to.
((HUGS))
(p.s. the image of the book didn't pop up)
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I still get a good feeling about you and your story. I think it will all somehow work out in the end.
I wish I could give you a hug, but I'm praying for you.
I am so sorry, Yaya. I do appreciate you sharing your story with us.
this post brought tears to my eyes. i'm so sorry for your struggle. i wish my words could answer your prayers. i don't want to get all Bible thumper on you, but when i think of you, i think of the story of sarah and abraham. sarah could not bare children, and at 90 God told she and Abraham that she would have a son. They laughed at the thought, but God provided. I truly believe that God provides us with children, one way or another and your day will come.
hugs
I'm not even going to pretend that I know the right words of comfort because there aren't any. Just know that I care. ((((hugs))))
I am wrapping you in a big, warm cyber hug right now. And doing the only thing I can do for you...praying very, very hard for you to get the baby you so deserve.
Alicia you are in my thoughts. There is nothing anyone can say to fix this...so I will not try.
Love and Kindness to you and your hubby.
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am praying for you with all my might ...
Alicia,
This is hard because I cant even begin to understand how you feel. I started tearing up at the end of your post. My heart is hurting for you.
We will pray for you & Josh, one day God will make you a mommy. DO NOT doubt yourself, or think you are a failure! I can only imagine how much your heart hurts. Please dont ever give up! =)
If you need to talk, email me!
Ally (mommylove05@gmail.com)
You poor thing. Hang in there mama. It's going to get better and I just know one day in the not so far future you will be writing posts like mine wondering what the heck is wrong with your children instead!!! ;-)
Hugs...Summer
So many {hugs} through the computer. I wish I had the right words, but I don't.
Sending lots of hugs and love your way.
{{Hugs}} {{Hugs}} and extra {{Hugs}}
You are in my thoughts this week...
xoxoxoxo I am here if you just want to sit and cry and be mad, always.
Lots of hugs to you.
I wish there was something I could do, something I could say.
I'm so sorry. But you both WILL be wonderful parents.
i know...trust me. been there. i actually have the book too...bought it before we got brooke. and i know that it seems like it will never happen, but i promise that there is the perfect baby for you...maybe it's a biological kid, maybe it's not. but i promise in the end, you will read the book with them and cry again...remembering this very moment in time.
I'm so sorry you are struggling right now! Know you are always in my thoughts and prayers. You WILL be a mommy some day...I just know it!
ahhh shit I hate this part....I know exactly how you are feeling because I was there last week and I will be there again...this is so hard and not fair....our hearts are sad and there just isn't anything to change that!
I am here for you supporting you and cheering you on...and praying for you and your hubby...this will happen....it will!
hugs
m:)
Honey, your husband is lucky to have you, and I'm guessing he already knows it.
You don't have to be happy for anybody else. It's not a rule. It's hard and it sucks and you are so gracious for even trying to be. But it's not a rule. Hugs to you. :)
Oh Yaya,
I am so sorry you are hurting.
{{HUGS}}!!
I'm sorry. It's not fair and it just plain sucks, there's no other word for it. I'm sending you a giant hug!
Oh Alicia, I know how you feel...I've been there...words cannot take away the pain or the sadness, but look at all the wonderful support you have, the hugs and prayers and everything...you will be a mommy someday, and you are going to be the absolute best because you have so much love to share. (((HUGZ!!))) You are, as always, in my thoughts and prayers.
hugs + prayers.
I'm so sorry...infertility sucks. The book you bought is one we own, too, and it makes me cry as well. It's a great choice and perfect for an adopted baby someday!
*HUGZ* Not much else I can say about it.
Yaya!! ((HUGS)) There is nothing wrong with you!! You are a wonderful person with a huge heart that you will share with a child someday!! There are so many children out there who need a home, that is why you are doing all this. Maybe you were meant to be anchor to THESE children. Sweetie!! ((HUGS))
Big hugs to you...
Oh girlie. Hang in there. I know it seems endless, grueling and hopeless at times but you will have the pattering of little feet in your house. My friend who couldn't have her own now has 3 under the age of 3 in her house (thru adoption/fostering). You will be great parents---don't despair! HUGS and prayers!
Alicia, it must have been in the air that day becuase I had a low down moment too. (kinda still having it, thanks AF) Don't think about your hubby with another life, that's just beating yourself up more. You know he would never want or think that. You've got a great one, so go chew a cadbury egg and let this pass. The rainy day is sometimes just what we need. **big love to youxoxoxo**
Awww, hunny.
Ok..my kids totally interrupted my comment! lol! I just picked up that book over the weekend! I love Chelsea! She rocks my socks off!
and the whole Etsy outsourcing idea? BRILLIANT!
I'm so sorry for your emotional pain in going through this. If I had one wish it would be for you to have a baby.
When I shared the news of my pregnancy on my blog last week, it was with mixed emotions. I knew that it would probably make you and another of my blog friends who has infertility feel sad. It's like a slap in the face when you find out someone else is pregnant--I know the feeling well. Sometimes I'd get so depressed and angry after finding out about yet another person's pregnancy. I didn't want you to feel like that because of me, but I understand if you did. It's totally normal and okay to feel that way. Okay, enough of the personal stuff from me for now.
I'm sorry! ((hugs))
Catching up on some long overdue reading in bloggy world. Honey, My prayers are so with you. I won't even say I know how you feel, but I understand where you are coming from.
I can't believe I skated by this post earlier. Oh, Alicia... I'm sorry. For everything. I know your time will come and when it does it's going to be sweeter for having wanted it and waited for it. Regardless of what path your journey takes it will happen for you.
Pour it out into words that is the best thing you can do. I understand your frustration, I do. I feel the same way when I see a whole family together,, mom, dad, kids and wonder how it is that I failed at my own marriage and will never have the family I so so wanted for my whole life.
This post really touched my heart...I have been where you are now, with the same feelings, esp those feelings of failure and sadness. I used to think my husband was going to leave me because we were having trouble conceiving and everytime I wrote a check or put a charge on our credit card for more fertility treatments, I felt horrible, knowing that there were a ton of things he'd love to spend that money on but we were having to spend it on IVF.
And you know, as positive and upbeat as you are, you are certainly entitled to bad days. It's part of the process and venting and pouring out your emotions is sometimes the best way to handle grief. After my 1st miscarriage someone told me that the only way to get through grief is to go through it. You can't go around it...you just have to feel it until it goes away on its own.
Sending you many many virtual hugs...
You are NOT a failure.
Please do not think that. Your body doesnt seem to want to cooperate with you, but this does NOT make you a failure.
I heart you Alicia :)
Im sorry you are in such a rough spot.
You know, I can't say I know how you feel. But so many times I have seen people adopt, then they get pregnant. There is still hope Alicia!! I hate knowing that you are so down and I am sure that this has got to be so very frustrating to you and your husband. I wish i could reach thru here and give you a hug. Remember....Good things come to those who wait...some of us just have to wait alittle longer for some reason...not fair...but it happens!! Hang in there girl. I read your blog on many days that I am down and think...wow...i wish I could be like her! Love ya!!
So sorry. Wow-67 months?! Feeling for you...
What do you mean "the life he should have" ???? Yaya, he has the life he should have, right there with you. I don't know the pain or heartache of not being able to have a child, but I know this.... YOU are not a failure in anyway, shape or form. If you are, than so am I. I was married one time, divorced a year later and had 2 more children without ever marrying again... the girls father and the boys father, aren't in their lives, never have been, I left one when she was 8 weeks old and the other left the week my youngest was born. I can't keep a healthy, loving relationship.. Can't find a man for longer than a few days, been single for the most part, 13 years. Am I a failure? Sure, I feel that way sometimes, like whats wrong with me that men, good men aren't attracted to me? And then I remember my spiritual beliefs... I am right where I am supposed to be.. and so are you. You will make an amazing mother, when it's time, it's just that sometimes, our time is different from THE time.
You and your husband are living the life you are supposed to be living, or it would be different and one day... you'll see, it will be all you dream of and more. Hugs. Write me if you need to. -Lea
Girl, you may not see it in yourself, but trust me - you ARE strong. I'm sorry you feel defeated. I wish I could give you a hug and a big bag of cadbury eggs. I know it wouldn't fix anything though. Hugs to you. Big hugs. From me AND Chloe.
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