Infertility.

Young Momma from Perfect Pen and I were emailing and she asked some questions (I encourage questions! Knowledge is power! ;)

And I decided to turn my response into a blog post because there is some important information that I thought other readers could learn from it.

Below is my response email:

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That's why we aren't doing infant adoption-I could not stand having a baby for a month and then having the birth mom take it back. I would lose it. Completely lose it.  We're getting very excited for the mundane process to be over so that we can get our child! Right now we are looking into a 10 year old girl. The problem with any of the kids we would potentially adopt is that they will have emotional issues (rightfully so), but honestly, I think we are strong enough to handle that, and have the background to handle that. It just takes a lot of patience and persistance. Having waited 6 and a half years now for a child, we are well versed in patience and persistance. Fertility treatments....yup....not fun. I've semi-moved-on already from the bio-baby idea. I would love a bio baby. But, I'm so over all these hormones and crap making me big and fat and moody. 

I've told my husband I'll do one more. One more pregnancy, whether it be successful, or another miscarriage, that's all I can handle and then I need to move on from bio-kids.  It's been a rough road. It's hard having friends and family start trying for kids after us, and now have a few kids under their belt, while we still just want our first. It's hard going to parties and get togethers where conversations revolve around people's kids and we sit there in silence. It's hard seeing all these "mommy clubs" and knowing that I want nothing more then to be a part of them, but I just can't seem to be.  Have you ever wanted something more than life itself? Something so much that you would literally give your arm for it? That's how I've felt for 6 and a half years. So when friends and family around us suddenly say 'We're gonna start trying for a baby!' and *boom* the next month they are pregnant, it aches. When they are able to tell everyone about their pregnancy from the very beginning and experience the joys of being pregnant, without fear that they'll lose their baby, I'm jealous. I want that. I will never experience a joyful pregnancy. It will always be filled with fear that loss is just around the corner. I can never get my hopes up.

I guess the hardest part of this road is that people just don't understand. They don't know what to say, so they say nothing. Friends and family don't know how to show support, so they ignore our pain and losses. We feel so alone in our struggle most of the time. Sure, we're happy and live a wonderful life, but there is always this part of us missing. There is this ache we have that will not go away. If you know someone with infertility or infant loss, be there for them. Let them talk about their babies. Let them talk about what they are missing out on. We can tell when you feel uncomfortable, so that's why we stop talking about it. Be unconditionally there for them. After a loss they will want distance. Don't take this personally. They need to heal. 

If you announce your newest pregnancy or birth, they might need distance again. We ARE happy for you, but we are also aching for what we don't have.

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It's a hard job being friends and family to Infertiles, or those who have experienced Infant Loss. But we need you there. Without you there for us in the hard times and to distract us on bad days and to laugh with us on good days, we'd have no one.