14-yr-old "Anna"
(An Infertility post. I will not be hurt if you choose not to read this one.)
I got an email today from one of my blog readers that made me think. It made me think: Am I being true to myself on my blog? Am I showing the "real me" on my blog?
I show a lot of my "happier moments" on this blog, while my sadder moments sit in my 'create post' box collecting dust. Usually I just don't have the energy to finish them. But this blog is my life and my battle with infertility, so why do I filter my posts so much? I think a lot of it is that I'm worried about showing such raw emotion to the "world".
So today, I share.
__________________
Here is a part of the email I got from a reader:
I hope this isn't too personal of a question, but after following your blog I've noticed that even though you say you feel more bitter, you definitely don't seem like it! You seem so happy for those around you.
Even though it's been six months for me, I still can't stand to talk about people and their babies. My family were all a wonderful support after my loss. My SIL had planned a big elaborate announcement for her pg, but didn't do it after my loss. So I know they're not trying to be unkind....I still just can't be as happy about their pgs or their babies as I know I need to be. One SIL had her baby yesterday and that's all the family can talk about and it's killing me inside, especially because I'm feeling selfish for feeling this way in the first place!!"
__________________
Below is my response that I edited and elaborated on:
I maybe "appear" happy but inside I'm miserable. My bff and another friend and I were all pregnant at the same time. They kept their babies, I lost mine. It's so hard for me. I didn't even go to Ashley's baby shower. It was too hard for me. She understood. I went to Lia's shower but only very briefly, And I cried the whole way home. I am happy for them, but it also reminds me of my loss. Why am I the one that has miscarriages and infertility? Why doesn't anyone else around me experience this?
Mostly what my issue is is pregnancy. I'm so jealous of it. I can't be around pregnant people. Once they have their baby I'm much better with tolerating them. But pregnancy, not. Especially when people complain about pregnancy, argh. They don't realize what a blessing they have.
Mostly what my issue is is pregnancy. I'm so jealous of it. I can't be around pregnant people. Once they have their baby I'm much better with tolerating them. But pregnancy, not. Especially when people complain about pregnancy, argh. They don't realize what a blessing they have.
I've found myself seeking out stronger friendships with my child-free friends, or our one set of friends who have secondary infertility. Or people with whom we were associated with, and learned they had experienced a miscarriage. We befriended them. They know the "right" things to say. They know our true range of emotions that we live with on a daily basis. It's a common bond we share. We "get" each other.
I thought the adoption process was going to be "healing" for me...but it's been the opposite. I'm bitter about infertility, or toward fertiles. It's not fair. Why do I have to go through this intense approval process when it seems that any person off the street seems to be able to get pregnant like it's in the water? It sucks.
So, no, I'm not happy for others. But I maintain the simplest niceties as not to be written off forever, in hopes that my eternal bitterness will one day be gone and I can resume my relationships with full force.
And as far as people not understanding. This was one of my New Year's Resolutions...that I wasn't gonna put up w/ people's stupid, ignorant comments anymore and I was gonna call them out on it. And it's made it so my friends will actually ask me about what they should say/do. I know it's cliche, but knowledge is power. For us it also meant that I had to get my husband on board. He used to sit back while ppl said stupid things, but now he's right there with me putting people in their place. (ie; all his colleagues were complaining about their kids for the umpeenth time while he sat there feeling left out of the conversation and he spoke up and said "You know, you could not have your kids at all" and it made them all rethink what they were saying). Basically if we think something we say it. It makes people realize what a blessing they have. We used to sit in silence while our hearts ached for our losses, but now we speak up.
And no, I'm not always okay and optimistic. I have my moments. I have my "Why Me?" moments and my "What If?" moments. "What if" baby Finn had made it? He'd be 5 1/2 months old right now. I miss my baby. I love my baby. I want him back.
I've never been a panic attack type of person and in the past three weeks I'm having 1-2 full on panic attacks per week. I've also had several full on depression attacks where I curl up in a ball and hate life. I have my moments. I don't write about them. I'm exhausted when they're through.
I hate my line of work. It's hard being an Infertile nanny and seeing pregnancy and babies everyday. It's a slap in the face reminding me of what I don't have. But what else am I gonna do? I have to work and I simply don't have the energy to pursue a different career at this time. So I make the most of my job. I have good days but I have bitter days too. I try to steer clear of the kid-places where it seems that pregnant moms like to congregate. That helps.
And we adore our niece. But it's hard. It's hard that the family dotes over her and it's like we're just chopped liver because we haven't provided a baby yet. In my mind I am a mother. I have carried (although briefly) children in me. I am their mother. So why is it every year on Mother's Day I must sit like a fly on the wall while all the real Moms in the family are celebrated?
So the question: "How am I happy for others?". True answer: I'm not. But I pull from that deep down place that knows I should be happy for them. And on days when I just can't muster up enough of that happiness, I distance myself.
That's the biggest thing I've learned through my infertility. To be true to myself. To preserve my emotions to preserve my sanity. If I'm not feeling up for a particular family event, I don't go. And I don't feel guilty. If I just can't handle one more party where everyone is going to be talking about their babies, I don't go. And I don't care if people call me anti-social. It's about me and my health and my sanity.
I've realized that many infertiles are hanging on by a very thin thread. I cannot allow myself to be subjected to any scenarios that might snap this thread. I gotta look out for me.
Lately I've been spending too much time wondering. Wondering what my purpose is. If it is not to be a mother, which is what I thought it was, then what is it? Why am I here? What am I doing in this life that makes a difference to anything?
How do I pull through these episodes I have? I first allow myself the feelings and emotions I am experiencing, and then to pull myself out of my hole I try to think of "Well at least I......" scenarios. "At least I don't have cancer", "At least I'm not brain damaged", "At least I have a solid marriage", and so on.
And acupuncture. I've said it a hundred times. I don't know where I would be without acupuncture. I started it over a year ago when I was lowest of lows after a miscarriage and it completely changed my life.
________________
Infertility is hard. Miscarriages are life-altering. I will never be the person I was 5 years ago. That innocent, care-free individual is gone. So I move on and try. That's all I can do each day. Wake up and try. Try to live this life that I was given. Try to figure out my purpose. Try to make a difference. You get one chance at this life, so all you can do is try.
"It's the struggle we're all involved in, trying to find the meaning of our life and trying to express ourselves. Grapple with destiny." -Kevin Kline
75 comments:
Fine post.
Yaya, although I am a mother I have had several miscarriages and just as you do I feel I am their mother regardless. I am praying for you dear friend. I wish I had more comforting words, but they are indeed heartfelt.
I think it's wonderful that you articulate your emotions so well. I am positive you are helping another.
Yaya, lovely post. I would like to ask you some personal questions, my email is mrsofficer25@yahoo.com. Please feel free to email me if you would like.
Thanks
I think you are more than entitled to feel the way you do. I can't begin to imagine what you go through on a daily basis. I can relate on a certain level though. It may sound silly to you but I get very upset when people take their citizenship for granted. They complain about voting, they complain about their jobs, they complain about jury duty! LOL it sounds silly but there isn't much I wouldn't do to have the same rights as all my friends. I would welcome jury duty with open arms lol. Hang in there. You'll be a terrific mom one day :)
You WILL be a mother. You have too much love in you not to be a mother AND to influence children's lives in general (those you nanny, those you are an auntie for, and more). You are a light on this earth; a bright one that draws others in. Your time will come. In the meantime, I'm praying for you.
Thanks for sharing such a deep part of your heart, Alicia.
You're a beautiful person.
x
Oh, Alicia! I read this and my heart aches. I can't say I know EXACTLY how you feel because all of us go through this in different ways. But I know a lot about it (as I've told you via email) and I feel your pain. Thank you for being so brave to post this. You are far stronger than I could ever be. It takes tremendous courage to not only write down these thoughts but to share them with the world. I have so much admiration for that.
The magnet you sent me is on my fridge, and I think of you every time I see it. I truly believe that all this positive energy will bring you what you truly deserve.
Sending you hopes and prayers.
You are such an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us.
{{Hugs}} Thanks for this post. I felt many of those same feelings for a long time and learned that it's ok to feel that way. Anyone who thinks otherwise can just suck it.
Even now there are days when I just stop and think that I could be/should be the mom to an almost 9 year old. You will get what you are looking for, it just sucks that it sometimes takes longer than it should.
My heart aches for you and all the couples just like you. I feel it strongly because my own child is in the same place you are...although they have no hope of ever having a biological child. I keep you in my prayers every night. I just know you're going to get your chance to parent...and when you do..it will be one very lucky kidlet!
And you know I had to order the carrot cube peapod. There had to be something orange in there!!! That one is my favorite too!
No, I havent been pregnant so no I've never had one to lose. However, there is much in this entry that touched me and actually brought tears to my eyes. The frustration of seein those that are unfit to be parents or ones that have had children have more at the drop of a hat is absolutely unbearable to me. Worse yet are the ones that have children and just "throw them away" like they are so much garbage. Everytime a story like that shows up in the news I cry. :( Thank you for sharing this, it came very timely for me....very timely indeed.
I think that it's such a fine line between feelings and behaviors.
I have been reading a blog of a woman for a long time, who recently announced her pregnancy on her blog. She wasn't rubbing it in anyone's faces or gloating, she was just announcing it in a happy way.
Her next post was about how apparently she shouldn't talk about her pregnancy at all, because certain family members were upset and hurt because they shouldn't have children, and they felt the need to tell her this.
I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what it's like being in your shoes, but I do know what it's like to not be in a good place, and it's not a fun place to be.
Where do I start?
I guess with infertility. I can not relate to that, as I had no problem getting pregnant. This surprised me, because from the time I was a teenager, or younger even, I had a gut feeling that I would never be a mommy. I always thought this would be because I would not be able to get pregnant. I was wrong about that, but my gut feeling wasn't entirely wrong.
As you know, I lost my daughter at 26 weeks gestation. I was further along in my pregnancy than you were in yours when you lost your precious babies. But I firmly believe that you and I are still mothers.
My husband and I could not decide whether to try again or not. Our fear of loosing another child was crippling. We talked about adoption but we both felt although we would not "pass" the tests. We weren't rich enough, we are overweight, I have a hearing loss, our house is too small. (again, all those criteria that seem to matter if you're fostering or adopting but not to have a child your own, because apparently love is less important) Obviously now it's too late, and I am still struggling because I feel although I am meant to be a mom, otherwise, (like you said) what is my purpose in life. That's what I'm trying to figure out now.
But anyway, I've gotten off track a bit... I do understand how you feel towards others. I have that feeling too. I can be "happy" for another family, but it still always feels like a kick in the gut. But also, I don't ever assume that anyone's going to have a baby at the end.
It also depends who the other person is. If I feel that person is going to be a good parent, then I can be happier for them. If I feel they are a rotten parent, then I find myself feeling anger.
It is easier to see babies and children now but if I am not expecting to see them, it can be really overwhelming emotionally. Like for example, one time I went to work and there was a baby there. Well, on a regular day there is no baby there. I did not expect the baby there, and so it was like someone came up and slapped me.
But going to the mall is easier because I know there will be babies there... going for a walk is easier, because I know the potential of seeing a baby is there.
I don't know, maybe I'm rambling... I guess the short version of all this is... I understand.
I made a point to make my blog my "happy" place. It's where I go to focus on the good side of things. I still post in my husband's cancer blog when I'm having a bad day, but on my regular blog I try to keep it as happy as possible. A challenge, indeed, especially considering that most days I spend a good portion of it crying or curled up in a ball.
Thanks for being my bloggy friend YaYa, and I'm glad you're you. You make me smile when I need it and I hope I can do the same for you. Wish these were real but (((HUGS)))
((((((((hugs))))))))
I don't have many words...just understanding really.
I am hanging onto that thread too...and hoping that I can learn to call people up on their STUPID comments soon. But like you I am learning to look after myself and not force myself to carry on like normal when I can't. That's all we can do...look after ourselves and keeping hoping.
Take care, N x
Your honesty is striking. Thanks for sharing your thoughts so freely. I wish you all the best.
You are a light for those in your situation and I think you just did such a wonderful thing by sharing all of that in this post. Every single thing you feel is so honest and legitimate and I really like that you took the opportunity to share it.
{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}
You are Finn and Flicka's mom- I'm sorry they are not here with you. ((hugs))
Your wondering about what your purpose is if not parenthood, why you're here, resonates with me profoundly. It's a question that's been slowly surfacing in my mind for a long time, and once I realized that it was out there, I've tried to make it the subject of a lot of prayer and thought during Lent. Frankly, though, although I think I'm doing all the right things in terms of spiritual focus, it seems every day I'm more confused or angry or ambivalent than the day before.
I have to say, though, that clear as it is to me that my life is comprised of decades of meaninglessness and wasted oxygen from here on out, I can't imagine any sane person thinking that about you. Just from reading your blog, it's clear you're a wonderful, loving, joyful person, generous-hearted and good, and that you make others' lives better every day by the way you live your own.
Oh, and I also have a question - you said you always *thought* you were meant to be a mommy - why does it no longer appear that way? Adoption prep is proceeding apace, right? Or did you mean, biological mom? (Because heaven knows, that's what I mean when I say it.)
Alicia, now you know why I have 2 blogs, one for family and friends www.afamilyisborn3.blogspot.com and one I call my "bitter blog" www.infertilityreality.com
On the 2nd blog, I let it all hang out, tell it like it is, tell how I REALLY feel. But my family and most of my friends (fertile) don't wanna know.
Sister, we gotta stick together!
When people complain to me about their kids, I say, consider the alternative and consider yourself blessed. I've also been know to say "I'll take em!"
Love and hugs,
Julie
i love your post. if i get any energy, i might quote some on my page or at least link to it. That is, when i get a free stinking moment...!
you're loved and amazing!
Right there with ya girl. Nobody is alone in their journey through infertility. I'm so glad I found your site. It's been amazing to read and have someone know exactly how I feel and someone who has gone through the exact same life-altering experiences.
Alicia, this post really tugged at my heart strings. You know I've been where you are now and I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. It's perfectly fine to feel the way you do...you're certainly entitled to, esp after all you've been through. I used to say "I'm happy for my friends but I'm sad for myself" every time another friend would tip-toe around me with their pregnancies.
I'm glad you wrote this post, even though I'm sure it was difficult. Who knows how many infertile women are reading this and are feeling relieved that what they're feeling is normal and okay.
the fact that you opened yourself up and wrote about your real, raw emotions makes you a stronger woman than i! it takes a lot to say how you really feel and get to the point where it doesn't matter what other people think. you have to do what's best for you, like not attending things that will be painful and sad for you to go to. yes, people may be upset or think you're rude but who cares! i wish i could take away the sadness that you feel and give you the happy ending you have always dreamed of. i truly wish it were that easy! our friendship has had some bumps along the way with your miscarriages and my pregnancy, but we have navigated those roads with respect and compassion for the other one. it has made our friendship stronger and you are truly a friend for life! i love you and can't wait until the day your dream becomes a reality! i love you and miss you! it's hot down here in texas!
You are always so open in your posts and have changed the thinking of so many people. (((hugs to you)))
i couldn't agree more...and i just want to send you a big fat hug {{{hug}}}
in my secondary infertility i found that people were never intentional in their hurtful words or actions, just stupid...and i know that sounds mean, but it was ignorance more than anything.
and, i'm gonna tell you, after 13 years of interfertility and then having a little gift (2 adoptions in between as you may remember)...well, sofie was a little gift. and i wish i could say you'd get that "gift" but we just won't ever know. i can tell you this, i've done mothering every single way you can, birth, adoption, foster care...and none of them make me different a different mother, only a stronger one. and you expressing your feelings and being you and telling how you feel, that is the same thing.
prayers still for you girlie...you know i love you.
Yaya..you rock. Just so you know, you are more normal than you know. There's no way anyone who has not been through all of this can understand the daily agony. I used to go through my day literally praying to please be spared from another "are you p.g yet?" dumb a$$ question. I used to see purple-hair, nose ringed teenager girls with their big p.g bellies and have to resist the urge to run up them and ask "are you sure you want your baby? Can I have it?". Baby showers were torture...actually ANY social event was painful cuz I always felt like I walked into a room with a big "I" for infertility on my forehead. With every m.c or every time Aunt Flo made an unwanted appearance I felt like I died a little bit inside. I am only telling you so that you know, you're normal..and you WILL be a Mom. Some of us have to work harder and be more creative to achieve that goal..but you will get there Yaya. Trust me, I am not religious (peeps, please don't slam me for saying that), but I did know God would not have put a desire that strong in my heart if he didn't intend for me a to a Mommy. and he was right! It just a lot of bumps to navigate that road. Hang in there girlfriend!
(((hugs))) That was incredibly well stated. I'm glad you shared. It's important. And I think you're so right. Why do people get to get pregnant and have babies like it's no big deal, when infertile people have to jump through hoops?? It's sad and unfair.
My heart aches for you, Alicia! You know I've been there...I'm one of the 'lucky' ones, according to some - I got my miracle baby, and I count my blessings every day for that very fact.
But of course I have those days I wonder 'what if?' What about the 4 little babies I lost? I wanted a big family, I wanted multiple children... What if they hadn't died?
I'm just so thankful that I finally was blessed with a miracle - at a time when I thought it could never happen, would never happen, especially with how old I was getting...(smile!)
I think of you daily - when I look at the beautiful magnet you sent me, when I look at my daughter and simultaneously thank God for her and pray that you get your little miracle some day, too. You WILL be a mom - you have so much love to give...you're going to make an AWESOME mom! :)
I echo what blueviolet said - you are a light for those in your situation and you just did such a wonderful thing by sharing all of that in this post. ((HUGZ!!))
I'm SO proud of you for writing and PUBLISHING this post. I won't pretend to know where you are. I don't. BUT I do know how much I appreciate every comment you write on my blog that probably goes BLAH, BLAH, BLAH about my family. I can imagine it's not easy for you to pop from blog to blog reading about people's children. BUT, you do. And you are heartfelt & sincere. Thank for that, my friend.
I'm here. Feel free to contact me through my blog & I will be MORE than happy to leave you my email & cell number if you just feel like raging.
I heart you, girl!
I appreciate your real feelings and emotions. I may be a stranger,but I can relate to you. I had a miscarriage and it took me a few years afterword to even want to try to get preg. again! I probably had most if not all the thoughts you are having right now. Just remember, this too shall pass.
-visiting from sits
I've been sitting here with the comment window open for ten minutes, trying to think of something to write. I just don't know what to say except *I know* and I hate that you have to go through this. It's just not fair when you KNOW you'd be so good at it and then there's Brittney Spears with her TWO. And mother's day... oh, my goodness. One of the top five worst days in a year for an infertile woman. I'm sorry, hon, but I'm glad you're putting it out here for others to see.
Yaya your post is so touching. I think we all have that why me feeling at times. Our feelings are our own. We shouldn't have to make excuses or reasons for the way that we feel. You feel like a mother because you are a mother. You have children. They are not here on earth but they exist.
I have on occasion wrote sad things on my blog but I generally write happy things. But I am that way most days. It hasn't always been that way but for my life right now it is.
You don't have to be happy for other people. You just have to be happy for yourself. It is hard sometimes when you are hurting so bad but one day soon you will be. I know it!
You have every right to feel that way, every right and bravo to your husband for reminding people to shut up and be happy with their lives.
Reminds me of my grandmothers warning of 'evil eye' when I was younger and making sure to thank god for everything big or small , mine or others.
It's about finding that balance. I pray it becomes increasingly easier for you during this time and into the near and bright future.
Hugs:)
Thank you for sharing this post with us :)
I wish you guys all the best, and I wish there was some way I could help you, and I understand your feelings, you are right, people get too whinny not realizing what a blessing it is to go trough pregnancy and have a child.
Sending prayers your way, stay strong :)
Yaya,
Please check out my blog. I've given you an award!
Thanks for being you!
This was so heartfelt and sincere.
Hugs are all I can offer.
I am so thinking of you! I feel the same way you are and it is very nice to not think that I am not alone. I can't wait till we both have our babies in our arms and get to talk to eachother about it. I am glad I have you as a friend. :)
Keep your chin up! We will be mommy's someday....this makes me feel better when I think of this.... You will be a mommy when your baby is ready to have you. They are waiting to be born so you can hold him/her in your arms one day!
Stacey
Alicia,
I love how honest you are. You really show everyone a glimps of how it feels. I say a glimps because no one can really know unless they have been there. I have a question though. If someone close to you found out they were pregnant, do you want them to tell you and act excited around you? Obviously they should be excited but would you want them to 'calm it down' around you. And, does it make it worse if they say "I know it hurts you but I am having a baby"?
I thought that answer from you would help people that are friends/family with others that are infertile or just having a hard time concieving in general.
I love you and your honesty. And I do pray for you daily.
Thank you for sharing that with us. I know it wasn't easy.
It will be 8 yrs for me in July. It still hurts. I have three kids and I feel guilty anytime I complain about them. I think my inferility has helped me parent a kid that no one else could, probably out of guilt alone.
And with my ladytown in full shutdown mode for a few months now, I haven't stopped thinking about my cycle and when it should be and at what I point I should be in it even though I don't even have it anymore.
Not to mention that everyone and their mother wants to pass judgment on me. I so hear you. It hurts. Sorry to hijack the comment thing. You struck a chord. Very well written. I am thankful for you and your blog.
Alicia, I love your post. My heart goes out to you. I've never had a miscarriage, but I did suffer through 3 years of infertility before having my daugther and 5 years before having my son. Before I got pg with my daughter, I remember the curling up on the floor in a ball crying. I hope so much that some day you will hold your baby in your arms, but today you are no less a mother than I am now.
I was the last of my friends to have kids when I had my daugther 8 years ago. I suffered through countless baby showers & I wish that I would have had the courage to skip them & send a gift card. The baby gift shopping was almost worse than the showers themselves. I never mentioned my feelings to my friends, until recently one of them asked me, "Do you know how hard it was to watch all of you get married before I did?" And I responded, "Do you know how hard it was to watch all of you have 1, 2 or even 3 babies while I was dealing with infertility?" Her mouth dropped open and the look on her face was priceless. Although I couldn't believe it when she said, "It never occurred to me what you were going through, you seemed fine at the time." I guess I should have been more open about it at the time, but I can't imagine my pg & new mom friends wanting to hear about my issues.
So now, I try very hard to listen & be understanding & not be such a braggy mom when I know people are dealing with infertility. It's definitely hard, you'll see someday, but I hope me trying is helpful to my friends in that tough situation.
GOOD LUCK in your journey!
PS-This has inspired me to tell this story in a post on my blog, thanks! :)
What can I say? Nothing that would help you sort out what is happening in your world. So I will stay behind the scenes and say...I am here for you. Just to talk to if you need. Just to listen to what your heart wants to express to another sista. Ask for my phone # or just my email. It's there anytime you want. Be brave little one...You are in my prayers....
Was just stopping by to say thanks for visiting and read your post - I'll be praying for you. I've never experiened what you are going through - but I have experiences other "tragedies" and the best advice I can give to anyone, no matter what it is they are going through or working through is: "Don't bottle up all your emotions, that's just a ticking time bomb. Share them, spill them, and cry. It will be exhausting, but it will also releave all that pressure and stress that is weighing you down. You'll begin to start days a little lighter than before, but you will never forget and you will never return to who you were before. Little by little you will be carved into everything God wants you to be and desires for you." In the Bible it says: "For I know the plans I have for you." God Bless!
Don't keep those fits closed up. Express your feelings and let it flow. We know this is a rough road for you.{hugs}
Alicia,
You just continue to bless my heart! You are such an inspiration to others (and me). God is using you in a mighty way!!!
Not everyone qualifies to be a YaYa, ya know!
Thanks for all of the thought and prayers. We sure covet them right now!
((Hugs))
I will never, ever pretend to understand the exact emotions you're experiencing because I do have two children of my own. However, I think I've told you before, after Brittany was born, I suffered two miscarriages within 9 months, then struggled for 2 years with unexplained infertility...and it was very hard. No one around me "got it" because they'd never experienced that type of loss before. It's something that stays with you the rest of your life.
Just know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you, my friend. I admire your courage and your honesty more than you know!
Thank you for being so open and honest!!
I think this is what a blog is for (as you probably know). I think you should rage and express. Use it as therapy. Sure, some people may take issue with it, but the rest of us IFers will totally understand and support. This just hurts.
Thanks for sending me an email. Its nice to meet a fellow blogger who is practically local! I am sorry for your losses and am glad to see you moving forward with adoption (we haven't gotten there yet, but have been researching it). Oh, and if you don't mind, will you email me who your doctor was...? I am just curious for very personal reasons...we may have the same "office".
Strength.
And that's the wisest word I can think of for you. :)
I have a lot of posts saved and not published as well. I think I can't handle the sympathy, no matter how well-intended. So I'd rather put my best foot forward when I share on my blog. (Which is part of why I have that private blog - I publish most of the ick there).
I'm glad you shared this post. I think it's important for people to understand and you express yourself so thoughtfully. Thank you for that.
I'm glad you let that out. It's okay to be ALL of you. You shouldn't worry about sharing the good and the bad. We love you for you, Yaya.
((hugs))
((more hugs))
What a beautiful opening of your inner thoughts. It was so good of you to share.
I have a very good friend who has also had miscarriage after miscarriage, and I'm never quite sure much she wants to talk, or how difficult it is. I appreciate being able to see your point of view and think it will help me help her more.
God bless you as you continue on this pathway. And, thank you for being so honest--but also so optimistic. Hope is a powerful tool!
I've said it before, but I'm sorry it's so hard. I hope it gets better.
I understand where you are coming from on being happy. It is so hard to be happy for people who are having what you want. My husband and I have dealt with infertility for 8 years. 8 years of hoping to have a baby and one moment to take it all away. I finally got pregnant after waiting 8 years to be a mommy, and it ended with me having a baby, but not me bringing a baby home. I am SO SO bitter about it. I have a hard time seeing pregnant people I have a hard time seeing babies. I LOVE LOVE LOVE them but It HURTS so bad. I know how you feel, hang in there. I can't say it will get better. I can't say it will get easier but I can say it will be worth it. If I had the chance to do it all again and have the same outcome I would. Its scary to think about getting pregnant again. To think what if I have another loss. We can't live with the what if, they are too hard. Anyways I am just rambling. Much love to you.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am glad to learn you raw emotions that you are going through. I can't imagine what it is like, but when you do and I know you will become a parent you will be the best.
Thank you so much for opening my eyes.
Your friend,
Lori
Alicia,
You don’t have to publish this comment; I’m writing it for you. I applaud you for your honesty in this post. You are an amazing person. It is wonderful that you are looking out for you. So many of us get caught up in what other people might think or how they feel all the while we are being stepped on. I know, I have my secret pain and I’ve been in conversations when a simple statement cuts me down and sends me to a dark place. I always try to remember in the back of my head that EVERYONE has their cross to carry and we don’t always know what it is because it is so common to be guarded and hide our true feelings or our secret scars. I can only imagine your pain and I can’t pretend to have words that can even come close to making you feel any lighter. You are very blessed that you have a good man by your side (but you already know that…I just wanted to say it). I am certain that you are a gift to more people than you may ever know about. Think of all the women who visit your blog and never leave a comment. They are out there and I’m sure your words and your journey are helpful to them. When you are in a dark place I hope you will find some strength in knowing that you are in the hearts of so many of us. If we can pick you up at all and carry for some time.
I wanna give you a great big hug and tell you things are NOT ok. It's NOT ok that 14 year old girls are getting pregnant by accident and not able to provide for their children. It's NOT ok that soooo many parents take advantage of what they have, they treat their children like shit and make sure the kids remember that. It's NOT ok for people to be ignorant just because they are not in that person's shoes.
I will also tell you that you are doing a great service by blogging. I think your outward positivity and energy are contagious.
you know I would LOVE to know what to say to friends that have experience this kind of loss. I want to be there for my friends and say the right things. For starters... I can't even imagine. My heart goes out to you and to all that have lost and to those who experience the frustration of not being able to get pregnant. That area is the only part I can relate to. I tried 3 years straight for my son and I would be so angry at those popping babies like popcorn. All I can offer to you is a ((HUG)) and support. God Bless. Obnoxious
Hi Alicia- As you know I am one of those "secondary infertility" specimens, and I like you wonder if there will ever be a time when I feel like I did before? I had no losses before my daughter, so this makes absolutely no sense to me. I hate that I am bitter of cousins, neighbors, people I see that have these balanced little families. Even the friend I have who adpoted, has two children. It takes so little to send me on the wrong mood swing. On the first day of school the teachers asked all the kids in class to raise their hands if they had siblings, and my daughter said she wanted to cry. You know how awful that makes me feel? Even Dora and Blue have a baby for goodness-sake. I see families out together and I get all sad inside and think of how we should be a family of 5. I worked at Gymboree and I had to leave it this year because I couldn't stand being around the pregnant women. NO one understood why I can't do it. You are probably the best nanny anyone could ever wish for, and I hope your effort is appreciated. I understand how you feel, but as you've realized you make more friends with honey instead of vinegar. And I think you are very sweet. So it's OK to have your feelings take over, no one can be "up" every minute, and it's good to see your real side come out. You're never too old to cry.
Thank you for such an honest post. You really are an awesome person. I think when you write about things like this that it helps more people than you know.
Your honesty is overwhelming!!
xox and hugs to you.
Thank you for uncensored honesty. It is refreshing. You are a mom, a real mom, now and forever. I am still praying for you to be a mom again very, very soon. Hang in there, be strong, wonderful things are just around the corner.
Yaya, thank you so much for your honesty. Keep that faith girl!
You are really brave to lay that all out there like that...it says a lot that you can be in touch and honest about how you feel!
Alicia, I am always praying for you and all the other mothers out there who are struggling to have children. I have two very dear friends who are struggling with infertility as well. I can't imagine how difficult it must be. It took me almost a year to become pregnant and I saw just a glimpse of how devastating it is when so many others around you are conceiving.
Thank you for allowing us to see into your heart and to start understanding how incredibly difficult this is.
Stumbled upon your blog...loved your post. It's so spot on.
Yaya,
As I said before I don't know why God is making it so hard for some woman to become pregnant.
Honest post! Good for you both for telling people how it is. Even now when I speak up about that crap time, I get those, Oh Geez" looks.
You are an inspiration and people are going to read your blog and know they are not alone. I said this before, I wish I knew you then.
Some day, Some how
thank you for such an honest and beautiful post. it is ok to feel this way too, and people should realize that. it is hard to lose something and watch as other people have it...and act normal...or as if you don't feel jealous or sad that you don't have it.
i can relate to your emotions and feelings due to other things that happened in my life. not miscarriages since we haven't tried for children yet, but losses and other struggles i've gone through. i asked my husband not too long ago, why it seemed that some people had such blessed, easy lives, while others struggled and were put through the wringer. he didn't have a satisfactory answer for me. i don't know if anyone can ever give us a good answer.
stay true to yourself. it's ok to feel what you are feeling.
You are simply one of the most beautiful souls on this Earth, Alicia. Thank you for sharing your emotions with us in this incredibly heartfelt post. Your words will help so many find their voice too on their journey.
I am blessed to have found your blog. I am a better person "knowing" you:)
I'm so sorry for your losses Alicia...stories like yours truly break my heart. I can't make sense of good people not being able to have babies.
You are a mom. Some mothers lose their children when they're babies, others as adults. It is love that makes a mother, not time.
Remember....feelings aren't right or wrong; they just are.
I admire your ability to be able to capture some of what you are feeling with words. Thank you for sharing.
Mel (Cartoon Bubble)told me about this post because I just posted about my own Infertility 'issues' yesterday. It does hurt and it does suck.
I wish you all the luck in the world!
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