My Story

I've recently had an influx of new readers (love ya!), and some have asked for "my story". So this post is going to be my story, so I can keep a link on my blog if new readers want to know my background.

The short story version=All I want is to be a Mommy. We've been trying for over 7 years and it just hasn't happened. It's heartbreaking.

The long story version=

My husband, Josh, and I have been together for 9 1/2 years and married for over 6 years. Before we were married my OB/GYN at the time informed me that we would 'have trouble getting pregnant'. That was all he said. Me being young didn't ask questions, but decided, hey-I might as well get off birth control if it's gonna take us awhile to get pregnant. So I got off of birth control before our wedding, in September 2002. Our wedding came and went on July 4, 2003, but I didn't think much of not getting pregnant yet. We were young and having fun. Another year went by and I started to wonder, huh, what's going on here? In the next few years I would have several "week 4 miscarriages". Basically the second you find out you are pregnant you are going through a miscarriage. The doctor's "don't count" these miscarriages because they "happen". I decided to switch doctors. My new OB/GYN said, 'I think you have endometriosis'. He did a laparoscopy and a hysteroscopy in August 2007 and sure enough, I have stage 4 endo. It was so bad on the one side that he had to tie off one of my tubes.

A few HSG's later we knew my one tube was still up and running. In January 2008 we got pregnant w/ Finn (EDD 10/6/08). Finn had a heartbeat and was implanted in the uterus. (My dr is worried about tubal pregnancies with me). All was well until a routine ultrasound gone wrong. The technician told me he didn't make it, he didn't have a heartbeat. I didn't understand, I thought she was joking, it didn't make sense. I thought if she checked again his heartbeat would be there. To this day it breaks my heart to see an ultrasound picture. I had a miscarriage at home using misoprostol on February 29, 2008 (leap year). The next few weeks were horrible. I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows, and the worst part was that no one around me understood. All the hopes and dreams I had held for Finn had come to an abrupt end and there was nothing I could do about it. My bosses at the time fired me. My husband didn't know how to continually support a hermit. My (now ex) best friend kept telling me to 'get over it' and 'move on'. Well I wasn't ready to move on. I took up journaling. I continued counseling. We did couples counseling. I started with regular acupuncture appointments. I scoured the Internet for support. All the resources I found made me angrier because they all had "happy endings". There was never a story where they were still hoping for a baby, all of their stories ended w/ their eventual babies. Well I didn't have that and I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just wanted someone/anyone to say "this is what happens and IT SUCKS". I started writing my own journal in hopes of getting it published someday so that there will be a resource out there just like that. I also started this blog on May 28, 2008. It was originally a way for friends/family to keep in touch w/ our lives.

And then in August 2008 we found out we were pregnant again with Flicka (EDD 4/30/09). Flicka had a heartbeat and was implanted in the uterus. I had spotting w/ Flicka so I didn't allow myself to be totally hopeful. On September 11, 2008 I had a natural miscarriage. After this miscarriage I started advocating for miscarriage and infertility awareness. No one should have to go through these, but if they do, they should not have to go through them alone. They are 'taboo' topics here in Western culture. People don't want to talk about them, making us feel even more isolated. To the Mom, that baby is already alive, but outsiders tend to make us feel like since our babies weren't born, it doesn't mean anything and we should just forget about it.

My husband and I are currently going through the adoption process to adopt children out of foster care. We are also currently seeing a new fertility specialist and going through Recurrent Pregnancy Loss Testing and taking hormones (fun.....). One of the hardest parts is that in the time we've been trying for baby #1, friends and family all around us have been married after us and are having their second or third babies by now, while we've spent the past 85 months living the monthly cycle of ups and downs of infertility and miscarriages (as of October, 2009).

I now have 3 blogs, and a Mommy Wanna Be Club online social network, and my Yaya Stuff blog is on many search sites for miscarriage support. I'm also a member of three other blogging communities, as well as a faithful member to the ivillage miscarriage support message board.

My most recent site is Tears For My Baby where I send care packages to those who have gone through a pregnancy or infant loss.

This is my life. I'm an open book. Free time is hard to come by these days, but if I'm able to help other women in their time of need, it's worth it. Advocating and helping others makes me feel like there is some purpose to this deck of cards I was dealt.

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I could go on and on to include issues such as marital stress, weight gain, etc. But for now, this is enough. Please email me if you need support or have further questions.

yayaorangenanny@yahoo.com

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While I attempt to live life to the fullest, most days I feel Lost and In Repair, and all I want is to Be OK.

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"One person can make a difference, and every person should try." -JFK

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." -Heather Cortez

"...To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!" -Ralph Waldo Emerson