Here's what happened. Last night was Josh's colleagues annual holiday party. I don't particularly care for these events to begin with, but I suck it up and go and enjoy myself for sake of my spousal-duty. This year, however, was different. This year EVERY conversation around the entire party was monopolized by childbirth and talk of their babies and kids, THE ENTIRE TIME.
One couple brought their newborn baby...why?? I have no idea-because they spent the ENTIRE party in the next room with their crying infant for three hours until they left. Okay-add crying baby to the list of people talking endlessly about their babies. Then, hubby's one colleague's wife had recently had a miscarriage and I thought-someone I can relate to, someone I can talk to in a room full of people I don't know. Well, imagine my surprise when we show up and she's pregnant.......
Last night was an emotion-overload. It was slapping me in the face left and right that we don't have kids. We don't have our babies, and everyone else around us does. We're quickly becoming that couple that is left out of situations because we don't have kids. We're that couple that people no longer relate to because their lives revolve around their kids, and ours does not, no matter how much we actually wish it did.
Friends after friends of ours are having kids. They all say the same thing, 'this won't change anything in our relationship'....but they're always wrong. It's a different lifestyle that we're not a part of.
Recently I've been filled with hope by our adoption process and the prospect of getting children one way or another. However, I've noticed that when I bring this up to try to join in to other people's baby/children conversations I'm met with a confused look and a response along the lines of 'That's so nice of you!', as if we're starting some charity or something. And that just pisses me off.
So last night, it hit me: I miss my babies. I miss Finn and Flicka that we've lost within the past 10 months. I cried and cried. I didn't cry when we lost Flicka...instead I became numb and detached. But last night I cried uncontrollably. Sobbing so hard my head and throat hurt.
I kept crying and thinking to myself, "I just want to be whole".
45 comments:
oh hon i'm so sorry you had to deal with that! i think people are uneducated about the adoption process and don't know what to say about it. common sense would be to ask you all about it if they didn't know. but since some think it's not as socially acceptable, they smile and turn away. i cannot imagine the hurt you must feel when this happens. all i can say is keep ttc and stay optimistic about the adoption process. you will get the family you've dreamed of, one way or another! i love you!
{{Hugs}}
I don't know what your situation is. I don't know why you are having baby problems I have however, been close to several people in your situation. Some have eventually become pregnant and stayed that way until they have beautiful little ones. I know some who have adopted and had the same out come. You will too. I know that sounds hollow when you are in this situation that you can't stop thinking about. Keep your chin up!!!! There is a child waiting to come to you. Remember though you are whole. I also think you needed a good cry, it helps to cleanse the soul. It's good to meet you. I hate those social work things too!!!! Making social talk with a bunch of people you only see once a year. YUCK.
Adoption is a beautiful thing. There are many children desiring homes, as badly as you are desiring children--what an amazing fulfillment.
I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry. I'm sorry you felt like an outcast, that you have lost babies, that people don't know what to say. Adoption is AMAZING. I adopted and it brought a miracle into my life. Do people get it? No, but who cares. It's a beautiful way to bring your child into your home. I wish I could just give you a hug.
you let it out. you have every right to feel the way you do.
i don't know why people don't understand... it's like some people don't even try to see another's p.o.v.
i am so sorry for your hurts and tears.
just know that you're being prayed for!
Alicia, I am so sorry! I have many friends who are in similar positions and it's just painful for them.
I love you!
Oh Alicia, I'm so sorry.
You shouldn't have to go through this, you just don't deserve it.
I wish I had something comforting to tell you, but I don't think anything could make you feel better.
The only thing I can think of is that it's okay to cry. Cry and scream and shout and just know that those creeps at the party don't matter. They are uneducated and have just eliminated themselves from what could have been a friendship with you and your husband.
Your friends have seen what kind of pain you've gone through and they'll see the joy that you get when you get to hug one of your children for the first time.
Hang in there! keep your chin up and keep going even if you don't want to - that's the only way you'll get to wherever you're supposed to be.
Hugs to you!
My heart aches for you. My son and daughter in law cannot of have kids. My son has a rare disease that has left him sterile. All of their friends have started families and they are going through the same pain you are. It is the hardest thing, because I just don't know what to say or do to try to ease their burden. I'm so sorry you are suffering also. I think so many of us take for granted the ability to have kids. It is a blessing and a gift and not to be taken lightly. You will be in my thoughts and prayers along with my own Son and DIL. I wish I had soft comforting words for you all.
Wow. That is brutal. But hang in there! My BFF just brought home her adopted daughter (born on Thanksgiving!) two weeks ago. She and her husband had been trying for seven years.
PS - I popped over from Blog Stalkers. Your site is very cool.
I'm so sorry. I know you have to really be hurting. I'm praying for you and want you to have a child soon.
I think the reason children changes things, is because it is hard to have time for anyone. I have hardly any friends and the friends I do have, I never see hardly, even the one's with kids. We just don't seem to have time with work and everything else. So I don't think people ignore you because you don't, I just think people loose more friends because they don't have as much time to work on their friendship.
big hugs
I'm so sorry... I know how that feels, and it sucks, but hopefully things will turn around for you... You're in my prayers!
I just wanted to tell you. I'm not sure that it will help. Our friends, J and S, have been dealing with infertility for over 10 years now. Just before Thanksgiving, she announced in church that she's pregnant. With twins. We ALL thrilled. Keep the faith. It will happen. Some way.
Oh Ya Ya, you poor darling. Dean's work party was exactly the same on Saturday night, all of them had children or babies, except for little ol' barren me.
I know just how much that big cry feels - as you know I had the same kind of emotion when we lost our second baby. I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this.
I know no amount of anything I say can take away the pain and the frustration of it all, but I am here for you, to laugh with you, cry with you and one day to celebrate the day you become a Mum.
May 2009 be filled with much happier times for you and Josh.
Wow culture shock! Its hard maybe the relationships change because they don't want to just sit and talk around you about thier kids? It could be a time factor, it could be they think why would a couple want to be aaround a bunch of screaming kids? (that's always my concern)Whatever it is hun I am sorry and I will pray it happens for you soon!
I am sending lots of hugs and prayers your way!
I am SO SO sorry. I pray that this coming year will be the year for you and your DH to have that baby...one way or another!!
Oh my dear friend! I know that we have just recently met, and are still getting to know each other..but my heart breaks for you! As a mother who has endured great loss,You will never hear me say that "I Know What You are Going Through" or "I know how you feel." Because that is just not possible. But please know that you are NOT ALONE! There is a pain that goes along with losing your young quickly or not being able to bring them to this world on your own, that is not understood by those that have not experienced it! My heart and my prayers are with you. May you someday reach that point where you truly feel like "You are Okay"!
you have every right to cry...
and i think adoption is one of the best things a person can do. just because some people don't understand, doesn't mean it isn't the right thing. it is what will make YOU and your hubby happy that is...
Soo sorry to hear about that bad night!!! So annoying that people are like that!! UGH!
Hope you have a good week :-)
{{HUGS}}
I am so sorry for the rough times you've had and are having. I think that one of the hugest injustices in life is the fact the way children and babies can come to those who don't want them, need them, or know what to do with them. My sister used to work in ob/labor and delivery at the hospital. She had so many stories of the babies that she'd just hug and want to keep away from the mothers she'd have to send them home with. I really wish I knew why this has to be part of life, it just is.
I guess that is the beauty of adoption where an "unwanted" child can find home in the arms of a loving couple who will move heaven and earth to have their child.
There's this quote that I heard once about how everything in life has a purpose and you'll be made up for every loss....I'll have to dig around and find the exact wording.
In the meantime, just be yourself and big (((HUGS))) Hang in there and I know your time of receiving little blessings will come to you in some way.
{{more hugs}}
nuthin else but {{hugs}}.
Oh, I hope today was a better day! I know what you mean by not fitting in. We are that odd couple too with no children in the land that has the highest birth rate!
I don't know what to say, I am speachless. All I know how to say is I love you, and Josh, and you know it'll get better.
Hmmm.... I sure wish I had the magic words that would instantly make you feel better... but I don't.
It does suck. Totally. There's all kinds of nicey nicey things to say, but you've heard them all I'm sure...
If you ever need to scream... please feel free to screm in my direction.
I'm so sorry. That sounds like it was hell. Even though I have a child, I've become much more sensitive to people going through infertility since I'm now struggling with it myself. I've had many crying breakdowns when I find out about yet another person I know who is adding to their family effortlessly. It is so hard. But I know you will get through it and come out stronger. I wish those people had been more sensitive to you and your husband's situation. It's good you don't have to see them very much!
So sorry you had to go through that. It really sucks when everything just all of a sudden hits you like a brick wall. Hang in there, we are all here listening sending you lots of virtual hugs.
I am so sorry hun. That has got to be one of the most horrible things I have read in a long time. I hope your adoption plans go smoothly. You are going to be such a great mom!
Hi.....I just came across your blog through the Blog Tour! :) I just wanted to let you know that I do not know what you are going through, but I was adopted almost 30 years ago by the most wonderful family! I don't understand the comments of, "That's so nice" regarding adoption, however those people probably just had no clue what to say. If you do end up adopting, please know that it will be one lucky kiddo! The adoption creed says, "You did not grow under my heart, but in it." Your sweet little one will always know how much you longed for him/her, and that will make your child feel like the most special child in the world. Good luck with everything that lies ahead!
Your anguish is palpable and I can't help but feel your pain at this time. Whether by adoption or by your own conception you will have a baby and be OK some day too! I would be empty without my babies too...
Oh, I am so sorry. I have a good feeling about you, though. I know there's lots of good days ahead of you! :->
I can feel your pain and I think it's nonsense the response you've gotten when mentioning your adoption planning. I have had 3 miscarriages so I have been there. And we have 4 kids now, 2 were huge surprises coming after I had given up. So hang in there, it will happen and it's their problem if they can't relate! One step at a time.
It may sound strange, but I'm glad you cried. I'm not glad that you hurt, but I'm glad you cried because it can be so cleansing. I'd like to be able to really, really cry about my babies, and I haven't been able to yet.
As much as it doesn't help to hear it, those people's opinions just don't matter. I loved the comment you got from the person who was adopted. If nothing else does, that should remind you that you're doing the right thing. adopted kids are "real" kids, and yours will be very lucky to have you.
That really stinks.
It's amazing how insensitive people can be sometimes. I hope that adoption works out for you. I have a friend who adopted a baby and she is a GREAT mom. I think you will be too!
Hope your holidays become happier!
I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say but I am praying for you. Many hugs!
I feel your pain. Sincerely. (((HUGE HUGS))) You're in my prayers!!
Oh Sweetie Pie, I am sooo sorry...sorry you had to be around people like that for an entire evening, sorry that you are unable to conceive right now...sorry sorry sorry! My heart truly aches for you!
While I've never officially suffered infertility, when my X husband and I lost Zachary, then had the miscarriage a year and a half later...then using no birth control for years, we more or less thought "well, no kids for us"...and of course, everyone around us was having them left and right, or so it seemed. It bothered me, it hurt. But I guess I just didn't feel it was meant to be, or that I should be a Mother or something, or possibly it was that we didn't have the money to persue any other options, but whatever the case...we woke up, or so it seems, with two kids one right after the other.
So what I'm trying to say is that I babble too much, LOL
But I just want you to know that my heart DOES GO OUT TO YOU! I've LOVED, I've LOST, and I've been able to LOVE again....and you too, will also be able to!
I think about you daily, Sweetie...I truly do! XOXOX
praying that you recieve a Christmas miracle, in one way or another.
awww this made me teary eyed. I know saying "Hang in there" isn't much, but I can't imagine what you're feeling. I send you many hugs!
just know that you're not alone. Heck, I'm the LAST the very LAST of all my friends to get married and/or have babies.
:( OH man that is soooo tough!! I so feel for you.
I hope the adoption works out! Its such a rough process, but so worth it in the end.
This time of the year is always the roughest.
Man, and especially with a work party like that. ugh!
Alicia you made me cry. I am so sorry. People can be so insensitive. But it will happen for you. My sister tried for ten years before she finally was able to have and carry her daughter. She miscarried and was disappointed so many times. But it happened! Just remember that.
Oh Yaya! I'm sorry it was such a rough night for you! *hugs*
those precious tears
and these sincere words
are planting a seed
in the womb of consciousness:
it will grow
and will be born one day
to change
our world of barren concepts
where bodies rule
and minds merely discuss events...
you are a mother
because you care
because you know what love is...
you are whole
because god dwells in you!
namaste!
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