14-yr-old "Anna"
2. It will all turn out just fine in the end.
3. Dwelling on it isn't going to make you feel better.
4. You'll get over it.
5. You have to move on.
6. Sometimes dreams just don't come true.
7. At least you didn't have to hear the heartbeat or feel it moving.
8. It's not like you lost a real child.
9. This is God's way of telling you that you're not ready.
10. At least you have one healthy child.
11. You are still young.
12. Maybe things just weren't meant to be.
13. You guys couldn't really afford a baby right now anyway.
14. At least you won't have to pay daycare costs again.
15. So I heard your baby died?
16. Well, you know, you are getting up there
17. Why do you want to bring children into this world anyways?
18. Don't you have enough children?
19. It's nature's way of getting rid of a child who would have been _______ (just fill in the blank with anything like deformed, mentally retarded, handicapped, etc.)"
20. Maybe this is a wake up call that you don't need kids.
21. At least it happened early in pregnancy, it's not as you lost something big here, imagine losing the baby when it is formed
22. Well it happened because you were still newlyweds
23. It just wasn't your time
24. You weren't supposed to get pg yet, you are suppose to when I do (refering to a girl I work with)
25. Something was obviously wrong
26. It's just God's way of thinning out the herd.
27. Trying to make me feel better my OB said "statically speaking you were due..this is your 4th pregnancy, and 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage....."
28. It was God's Will.
29. There was something wrong with it
30. At least it wasnt a baby yet. (Ummm...)
31. You had a retarded egg.
32. You will have a whole litter of kids someday!
33. Right now's not a good time anyway/The timing's not right
34. You can have more kids.
35. I know how you feel-it took me 3 months to get pregnant. (Ummm...that's completely different)
36. God writes straight with crooked lines.
37. You don't need a child right now.
38. Grow up and get over it.
39. At least you won't have to pay for another one so soon...babies are so expensive.
40. You really should lose some weight before you have another baby anyway.
41. That one obviously would have been born with serious problems anyway.
42. We already have too many birthdays that month anyway.
43. Did you really want kids?
44. "Brother's cousin's mother" (fill in the blank with anything) had X amount of miscarriages and still went on to have a healthy baby.
The following were some more said personally to me:
1. A month after my miscarriage, family member announced to the family at Easter, 'Geez, when am I gonna get more grandchildren?!'
2. At another family event, said in front of me to another family member, 'Well you're actually a mother now so you actually get a say in what we do for mother's day this year.'
3. Family member said to me, 'No one is thinking of ME here and that I'm sad over this loss too' (Ummm...who had the miscarriage??)
4. Family member told family (when I wasn't around) not to mention so-and-so's baby's due date is the same as mine would have been. Then comes up to me at a wedding reception to personally tell me that so-and-so's baby's due date is the same as mine would have been. (That information was useful to me at that time because...?)
5. A miscarriage is just a miscarriage, it's not a big deal.
6. You need to move on with your life.
None of these comments will bring our baby back to life, so save your breath, oh yeah, and try thinking before you speak!
8 comments:
Those are awful! I can't believe anyone would be cruel enough to say some of those things. Obviously they have no compassion or common sense.
Proof that anyone who hasn't been there has NO IDEA what it is to lose to someone so close to you. Close as in, this child lived IN you, you know? Nobody gets that.
My grandmother said to me once, "Well, honey.. maybe it's for the best. Kids is haaard." I know she meant well, but I have never wanted to pull anyone's hair out as much as I wanted to do that to her right then.
Yikes! I don't think people are purposely insensitive. Most of the time. But, that list is pretty ugly. :( I'm so sorry.
I am very sorry for those hurtful comments that people made to you. Nobody gets it who hasn't been through it personally.
My MIL said to me (while I was still miscarrying) when I lost my baby at 13 weeks "what makes you so special, this is not a big deal-- it happens to hundreds of people every day, aren't you done yet?" Yes, what is wrong with me that I wasn't all sunshine and happiness after a second trimester loss? These people, where do they learn that it is acceptable to say such things?
Ouch! Some of those are almost unbelievable!! But since I've heard many of those with my own ears, sadly, I know it's true.
oh my gosh!!! how awful!!! I remember hearing that I have my "whole life ahead of me"...gosh...people NEED to learn to be more sensitive...I have ALSO heard "its all in Gods timing"...
It hurts enough...all we need is a hug...no words necessary!
btw: can I use the list of what not to say? I want to share that with others.
Unfortunately I'm not surprised by any of these comments, having heard a few myself.
To add to the list. My 'friend' at work, 2 weeks after my miscarriage, announced to the office "I'm going to be losing my baby on Monday" - referring to her 22year old son moving in with his girlfriend. Then on the way back from a work meeting, pointing out every baby in a pushchair in the city for no apparent reason. Then to say to a very pregnant colleague in front of me "did you see nappies are on offer at Asda.....you are going to be such a wonderful Mummy...etc,etc".
When it all got too much & I started crying at work - in an irritated tone.."It wasn't meant to be this time, you'll get pregnant again one day...(I'm 39 & worried), now stop crying 'cos your sniffing is getting annoying"
All unbelievable & not helping my emotional recovery at all. Another male colleague said to me on hearing the news..."oh, I'm sorry..I don't know much about all that as me & my wife never had a problem, so much so I had to have the snip to stop us shelling them out like peas!". Yes, I work with a horrible bunch. Another close friend said his friend told him it was the bodies way of getting rid of the bad tissue as there was something wrong with it. Whatever they meant with these comments - no-one wants to hear them when they have just suffered a miscarriage.
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