Guest Blogger's Miscarriage Story

**Emily is a poster from the ivillage pregnancy loss message board and has recently had a miscarriage. She wrote her story, and it really touched me, and many others on the board, so I asked her if she would mind if I posted it on my blog as a guest blogger post. I think it will really help other women going through a miscarriage to have someone else's story to relate to. Here is what she wrote:

(Thank you Emily for sharing your story. Picture to the left is of Emily and Justin.)**

"So, I have only posted twice I think, but wanted to tell my story so some of you could get to know me a little better... I'd love to hear other people's storys too...It hasn't been a good past few days and I have figured out that the only people I can really vent to when I'm having a horrible day is yall & sometimes I just feel like talking about everything & I think my friends and family are getting tired of hearing it (as some of you probably understand).....So.......

I'm 21 years old and from Alabama... I work at a law firm full time during the day and go to school (to be come a nurse!) full time at night. My wonderful boyfriend's name is Justin. We went to school together since elem. and were always friends but became great friends after high school which led us to where we are today (long story, but a funny one.)

When we found out I was pg on 8/14/08 I was scared to death. Like I mentioned, I work f/t, and go to school f/t. Justin and I have talked about marriage, but aren't yet (not that I think you have to be married, thats just the way I always imagined it would go in my head....but as we all know, things don't always necessarily go the way you picture them *sigh*) Justin reassured me that everything was going to be ok and that he was very happy.... We started getting all excited, planning things, looking foward to the future (I'm sure you all know how that goes)....We also started calling our baby Boo Boo =, )  

I didn't have any morning sickness, but I did have cramping... I googled it and found that it was pretty common, but it worried family members and friends. So I had my doctors appt moved up asap, just to be on the safe side. We went in (so excited, took pics on the way, the whole 9 yds) on 8/26)The sonar tech asked me the first day of my last period... I told her and she said, "you should be about 8 weeks then. But once she did the sonar she told me she must have estimated wrong, It looked as if I was about 5 weeks and 2 days...I called my mom as soon as we left. I told her what happened and what the tech said and she said (not thinking) "well the baby didn't stop growing or anything like that did it?" I WENT OFF ON HER!  I started yelling and crying...The truth of it was, that terrified me and I had not thought of that...She was very appologetic. She told me that she didn't know what she was thinking and she got very upset... (My mom is my best friend, so I know that she was not trying to hurt or upset me.)

The doctor's office called me the next day (8/27) and told me that my pegestrone levels looked low and they wanted me to come back in the next day. I was so upset & scared) Justin and I went back the next day (8/28) They took my blood and I headed to work. As soon as I got to work I went to the restroom b/c I felt something. I stood there for a long time b/c I didn't want to look. I prayed please God don't let it be... When I finally got the strength to look, I did, and fell to my knees and started crying. I called my dr and he told me that I was having a m/c. He also told me that the 1st time I came in they knew something was wrong, from the sonar... (HELLO??? Why was I not informed instead of letting me leave relieved thinking that everything was ok???) He talked for prob. 15 min. but thats all I can remember of what he said, I was completely zoned out. I left work and went home. Justin left work and came straight over. I cried some of the day, but there was moments that I was in shock and really BELIEVED that this wasn't what was happening, they were wrong...My cramps got worse. I didn't go to work the next day... It may sound crazy but honestly part of me DID NOT believe that it was really happening. This was my 1st pregnancy, and I still felt pg. But another part of me knew that the inevitable had happened. I went back and fowarth for days. The dr told me to come in to let him check everything out within the next few days. I DREADED it. I didn't know how I would go in ther w/ all of those pg women and babies. I called them and asked them if it was absolutley vital and they said yes.

Justin and I went back on 9/2. I cried all the way there. Once we got there I went in and barried my head in my psychology book and didn't look up once. They FINALLY called me back. We went back and the sonar tech (a different one than the 1st) told me that there was still hope. That she had seen it go both ways...Some ppl with my symptons went through with a norm pg. I can't lie she sparked some hope. She had to have seen my eyes light up. I know Justins did. But in the back of my mind I just knew. As she did the sonar I looked the other way. I didn't want to see what I knew was not there. I didn't want to see where I had seen my baby afew days earlier, empty. I closed my eyes and prayed the whole time. When she was finished she said, "Well I was hoping to have good news, I'm very sorry" and walked out. I broke down. I think it was the finality of actually hearing it again. She had actually confirmed it and there was NOTHING left to do, nothing I could do to change it.

The past 3 weeks and 1/2 day has been the loooongest of MY LIFE! Friends and family were very supportive at 1st, but it seems that everyone thinks I should be over it already (besides my mom and Justin, they have been so supportive and just great, and of course all of you.) People can be very cruel. I've had some horrible things said to me. People have tried to make reasons and excuses (in hopes of making me feel better) but they only make me mad. NOTHING is a good enough reason or answer to why. NOTHING makes it ok. NOTHING. I can't eat. I have lost about 9lbs in the past 3 weeks. Even a friend who has been through this asked me "Are you STILL not over that?" the other day. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I will NEVER "be over it". I don't understand how some women just carry on w/ their lives like nothing ever happened. I don't even think I would want to do that if I could. I want to remember my baby. Right now, I feel guilty if I think about anything else. I have gotten out of the house afew times but b/c I tried to act like I was doing better, it made my friends assume that I was and now they are confused when they see me upset... I have went from sad, to states of shock, to fighting mad, to depressed, and then all, all at once. The sight of pg women is unbearable right now. To see babies makes me cry. The other day while walking around the mall I stood in front of motherhood clothing looking through the window and just broke down in tears. I think of all of the people that don't appreciate their kids, or have abortions, or don't take care of their bodies while pg, or ppl that don't take good care of their kids and I get furious. I think of all of us who would die to be in their shoes yet it happens to people like us, who would be great moms. Its so unfair and a question that as long as I live I will never get the answer to. I have even found myself asking God why he did this to me? or why he lets things like this happen. I try to remind myself at those times that he is a loving God and I'll never get the answer to that and not to blame him. Its just hard..." -Emily S.